Superman Is Finished

My entry on Superman Returns is finally complete.

:) :( >:[>|8)>.(...

Have you ever had a time when sad face just doesn't cut it? They need a very depressed smiley.
<:.(.. (howzat?)

Respond with your ideas for what should be a new smiley. Maybe I'll insult them in a later entry.

Wayans Brothers Way Suck

Damn you Shawn, Marlon and Keenen Wayans. You're a discredit to your people and country. Sure you had some good goes at it in the past but that's no excuse to make movies so bad even the commercials make a body want to cry. For those of you who couldn't tell Little Man was a terrible movie just by seeing the commercial, I'm suprised you can read this. Now get out and go watch Stealth.

Maxim vs. Cosmo Revisited

This entry seems to be the most popular so let me expand and respond. One of my friends made the comment that Cosmo does, frequently have articles about pleasing women, they just happen to be for women. Apperently they also have a Man Manual once a year or something that tells men what to do. To this I say: that's the point, isn't it? These magazine's enforce the social construction that a man doesn't owe a woman anything. Women should know how to please a man and, if they have time, take care of themselves. There's no responsibility laid on the man's shoulder to know his way around. As for the Man Manual, well, men don't read Cosmo. That's for women to show their male counterpart and such a small, isolated incidence won't change habits nor will it reach any large segment of the population. So, I've concluded that for those men who want to be 100% pleasing machines like myself, I would tell them how to get along in terms that they might actually understand. It's very simple really - listen, you need to listen.

If you're playing basketball you don't go onto the court and do the same thing everytime. You've got a set of skills and knowledge of the game but every team is different. You're one-on-one with your brother is different from your three-on-three with your friends. Every situtation is different and you've got to find out what works and what doesn't. I assure you, treating every woman the same is like playing every game the exact same way. Play to your strengths but also their individual "openings". Skill and tactic can easily overcome advantages like size and speed. Can't penetrate? Can't dunk? Work it from the outside and only move in when the play calls for it. If you want to sink your balls and finish to a standing applause by your fans, you need to understand differences and how to give the other team exactly what it is they can't handle. This, of course, will drive them crazy. Fancy showboating is nice, and if you're good, you're good, but it doesn't work every time and not everyone is equally susceptible. Ultimately, knowing how to do score is a lot different than knowing what scoring is.

How: The penis is not your primary weapon. The penis is like a howitzer, it's large, it has the most force behind it, it penetrates fornifications...er, fortifications, and it's the only thing that will deliver the package into deep territory. HOWERVER, a howitzer is completely useless without knowledge of the terrain. Please, for the love of God, use a scout, get to know the perimiter. Your scout is much gentler, much more controlled method of surveying the area. Do everything you can possibly imagine with it and use your senses. If you're not using your eyes and ears this whole thing is wasted, you want to guage the woman's response. Then, after you've tried everything your distracted mind can think of, use your woman on the inside. Get your head out of her ass and ASK what she likes best and go back and do some more of that. Don't worry about looking stupid, women are the kind of creatures who will be happy thinking that you care. Besides, once you've got her in exctasy over your occupation, I doubt she'll even be able to remember. Once you've adequately teased, taunted and examined the perimiter and forayed immediately inside the city walls, whoever you're working on will probably be begging for your troops to rush in and quiet the disturbance your skirmishes have created inside the fort.

Also, play with the breasts. Play with them like a well toasted marshmallow. Touch them lightly, enjoy the texture, bite ever so gently (or put the whole thing in your mouth at once - well, try). Do not be the dumbass who squeezes your marshamallow really hard and breaks the delicate skin making a complete ass of himself and ruining the fun for everyone.

There is a psychological bit but I'm tired of writing now. Besides, if you're a jerk you deserve to suck.

Now, About the Movie

My friends and I are decidedly Superman Fans for Richard White. Why is this? No, it's not a coded reference to the complete absence of black characters in the movie (well, I saw two). It's an up front reference to Hoish Lane's super fiancee. Don't see what I'm getting at? Let's review:

Guilty Parties: Lois, Superman
Good Parties: Richard White

Spoiler 1: Superman Does Not Have a Kid
Superman Returns is supposed to be set after Superman II. In that movie it is true that Superman did indeed sleep with Lois Lane. Why didn't he snap her sorry human ass in half? For those of us who remember, he was human at the time. According to Superman Returns however, Lois is actually capable of remaining concious after slamming into the back of a plane at about 4 gs (assumeing she's only 110 pounds that's essentially getting 440 lbs dropped on you) so maybe she can take Superman every which way without having the top of her head shot out at the end. Either way, it doesn't matter, first big mistake is Superman has a kid. Are we to believe the Big Blue Boyscout was actually unprepared? NO! A Boyscout is always prepared.

Theory 1 - Superman bust the rubber. Unlikely since he was human at the time.
Theory 2 - Lois wanted to ensure a long lasting relationship with the strongest man on earth.
Theory 3 - Superman doesn't have a kid, the ocean was choppy and it's totally feasible that the piano just slid across the room. I prefer this theory because it does not imply that boyscouts are actually unprepared, it doesn't imply that during Superman II's steamy sex scene Superman wasn't actually human and/or had left over Kryptonian semem in his glans and it does not imply that Superman is such a bad person for abandoning a child he must've known was there with all his super senses. Why does Superman show up at the end and talk to the kid like he's his son? See Theory 2 and Spoiler 2.
Theory 4 - Aquaman. More on this later.

Spoiler 2: Lois Lane is a ho, sad but true.
No matter what you think about Superman's high tailing it and leaving a pregnant Lois Lane consider the following:

Two States of Nature: Lois knew the kid was Superman's all along / Lois did not know the kid was Superman's until the end of the movie. Either way, Richard thinks it's his kid.

Here we will assume normal gestation period for a human child. Even if you want to say that the child is not human and we should make allowances, having a super baby still induces all the physical marks of a flesh balloon in your stomach. Thus, in either case, Lois must have met Richard and banged him quickly enough for him to think that it was his kid. Let's give her 3 months before pregnancy is physically inconcealable. Because Richard thinks it is his child and most assuredly thinks in terms of a 9 month gestation, either Lois turned around and banged him immediately after Superman left or, miraculously, human-Kryptonian hybird gestation is exactly 9 months from when the mother screws another man. So, let's recap - Superman, the world's greatest hero, disappears for no more than 3 months (but probably less) when Lois Lane, instead of being worried sick that some terrible fate has befallen the inter-stellar hero, turns and jumps on the dong of the first guy to lift his ruby-quatz shades in her direction. Now, if Lois Lane actually didn't know that it was Superman's, well, she must have been banging her new bag inside of a single month to be so confused. Of course, she might have been in a normal relationship with Richard while she was still having sexual relations with Superman (and figured what you give to one you give to the other) but that doesn't really make it any better, does it? Whatta ho.

Theory 4 - Aquaman. This doens't really make that much sense until you acknowledge that Lois is a slut. At the end of the movie when Superman clandestinely watches his son sleep, his child is wearing Aquaman pajamas. Superman is toast of the town, there must have been plenty of opportunities for Lois to get Superman pajamas. Lois is also well-off so no excuse for avoiding any price-gouging. Don't believe me? CONSIDER THE TOP 5 REASONS!
5. Aquaman also has blue eyes
4. Blond hair is recessive
3. Aquaman is actually super strong even though no one pays attention to him
2. Aquaman has trouble breathing on land
1. According to cannon, Superman spent nearly half a century trying to get with Lois, has only just married her and doesn't have any kids. SUPERMAN HAS NO CHILD.

I'm not done...

Spoiler 3: Superman is actually Richard White a.k.a. Lois Lane is also a bitch
As amazing as it seems, the real Superman is not Clark Kent. How is this possible? If you have managed to excuse Lois's skankishness (and I will admit there is a way), you cannot deny that she is, at least, a bitch. You see, a ho is different from a bitch. A ho runs around and has sex with everyone, a bitch is a mean spirited, manipulative woman. What am I getting at?

Throughout the entire movie Lois is making goo-goo eyes at Superman and just strings Richard along. She has the nerve to look him in the eye and say she never loved Superman and, at a later date, tell him she was doing "nothing" on top of the daily planet when, in reality she was telling Superman that she forgot how "warm" he his and thinking about that, super, unending warmth inside her. But don't worry, Richard knows. Richard's face throughout the movie is one of increasing and continual concern. If Superman is worried that Lois has a 5 year engagement with Richard, Richard is worried that Lois' old, flying, invulnerable, super strong, x-ray visioned ex is in town and all he's got is a nice house. Oh yeah, and personality.

No matter what happens Richard is willing to go out on a limb to help Lois. He risks his plane, his life and his son. When Lois tells him to turn his plane around to go rescue Superman he gives her a look and then turns around WITH HIS SON ON BOARD to save her old boyfriend. This after he's already nearly died trying to find her on Lex Luthor's boat. Not to mention, when Lois jumps into the water and splashes around like an idiot, Richard quickly dives in like some sort of Aquaman and pulls them both to the plane. Richard is incapable of not helping and he does it even though, for the entire movie, Lois is stringing him along while she flirts with Superman. For his devotion, courage and fortitude Richard is hereby promoted to Superman.

EXTRA EXTRA: SUPERMAN RETURNS

Undoubtedly, the best thing about Superman is that he's so ingrained in American culture, so representative of everything America wants to be, such a staple, such a symbol, that even though he's fictitious when "Superman Returns" it actually makes headlines. I was in the Subway one day last week and looked over the shoulder of a fellow rider who was reading "Metro", a free newspaper. On it's front page Metro featured a large picture of the Man of Steel and the Headline "Superman Returns". Although not emblematic of all newspapers, every single medium has had something to say about Superman's lengthy haitus from the silver screen. From National Geographic's "The Science of Superman" to newspapers' articles headlines announcing his return you'd think that some amazing person has actually returned after a long absence. Superman has never been my favorite hero, in fact I don't think he's many peoples' favorite hero, but for some reason everyone wants to see him. It's the American thing to do. You go watch Superman and then watch some July 4th fireworks while eating some apple pie (at least, that's pretty much what I did). It wasn't until just recently that I realized how deeply Superman is stuck in the American subconcious, the guy isn't even real and he still makes news.

Oh, oh, wait

Not "Democrats", "Immigrants", yeah, that's better.

Playing Cards For Freedom

A happy Fourth of July to you all. I'm here looking at "Operation Iraqi Freedom: Heroes of War" playing cards and I just thought it was a little odd who's on which card. "U.S. Soldiers that gave their lives", for example, a King. Not bad, but I'm sorry to hear that the sum of the thousands who gave their lives for our country are worth less than Vice President Dick Cheney. Inexplicably Dick Cheney is equally imporant as Secretary of State Colon Powell, who was virtually ousted from the Bush administration, and is more powerful than Prime Minister of all Britain, Mr. Tony Blair. This is good, though, since now Mr. Blair can be closer to all the British soldiers who died to help our aces and only ranked as a Jack, rather far below their American counterparts. But who cares about those stuck up Brits, a life is only full if its lived as an American. But a lost Brit apparently ranks just higher than the entirety of the live forces of the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps. With all this I wonder who the Jokers could be; "U.S. Citizens" and "Democrats"?