Maxim vs. Cosmo Revisited

This entry seems to be the most popular so let me expand and respond. One of my friends made the comment that Cosmo does, frequently have articles about pleasing women, they just happen to be for women. Apperently they also have a Man Manual once a year or something that tells men what to do. To this I say: that's the point, isn't it? These magazine's enforce the social construction that a man doesn't owe a woman anything. Women should know how to please a man and, if they have time, take care of themselves. There's no responsibility laid on the man's shoulder to know his way around. As for the Man Manual, well, men don't read Cosmo. That's for women to show their male counterpart and such a small, isolated incidence won't change habits nor will it reach any large segment of the population. So, I've concluded that for those men who want to be 100% pleasing machines like myself, I would tell them how to get along in terms that they might actually understand. It's very simple really - listen, you need to listen.

If you're playing basketball you don't go onto the court and do the same thing everytime. You've got a set of skills and knowledge of the game but every team is different. You're one-on-one with your brother is different from your three-on-three with your friends. Every situtation is different and you've got to find out what works and what doesn't. I assure you, treating every woman the same is like playing every game the exact same way. Play to your strengths but also their individual "openings". Skill and tactic can easily overcome advantages like size and speed. Can't penetrate? Can't dunk? Work it from the outside and only move in when the play calls for it. If you want to sink your balls and finish to a standing applause by your fans, you need to understand differences and how to give the other team exactly what it is they can't handle. This, of course, will drive them crazy. Fancy showboating is nice, and if you're good, you're good, but it doesn't work every time and not everyone is equally susceptible. Ultimately, knowing how to do score is a lot different than knowing what scoring is.

How: The penis is not your primary weapon. The penis is like a howitzer, it's large, it has the most force behind it, it penetrates fornifications...er, fortifications, and it's the only thing that will deliver the package into deep territory. HOWERVER, a howitzer is completely useless without knowledge of the terrain. Please, for the love of God, use a scout, get to know the perimiter. Your scout is much gentler, much more controlled method of surveying the area. Do everything you can possibly imagine with it and use your senses. If you're not using your eyes and ears this whole thing is wasted, you want to guage the woman's response. Then, after you've tried everything your distracted mind can think of, use your woman on the inside. Get your head out of her ass and ASK what she likes best and go back and do some more of that. Don't worry about looking stupid, women are the kind of creatures who will be happy thinking that you care. Besides, once you've got her in exctasy over your occupation, I doubt she'll even be able to remember. Once you've adequately teased, taunted and examined the perimiter and forayed immediately inside the city walls, whoever you're working on will probably be begging for your troops to rush in and quiet the disturbance your skirmishes have created inside the fort.

Also, play with the breasts. Play with them like a well toasted marshmallow. Touch them lightly, enjoy the texture, bite ever so gently (or put the whole thing in your mouth at once - well, try). Do not be the dumbass who squeezes your marshamallow really hard and breaks the delicate skin making a complete ass of himself and ruining the fun for everyone.

There is a psychological bit but I'm tired of writing now. Besides, if you're a jerk you deserve to suck.