Are you Awake (with Jessica Alba)?

Last week I went to a test screening of a movie called Awake. I went because it starred Jessica Alba and promised to let me see Hayden Christiansen suffer. In fact, I managed to convince a friend to go with me on those merits alone; for some reason people really want to see Hayden suffer. In any event, I saw the film and it was pretty alright but there were a few inconsistencies. Just for some background, the movie is about a guy who, instead of being put to sleep during open heart surgery, is merely paralyzed (true condition, fake story).

First, and this is big, at one point the poor shlub Jessica Alba asks the young, wealthy apprentice to the Emperor if he's ever been to Brooklyn and he sort of shakes his head in a negative. Now I ask you, isn't it really impossible for a rich guy who lives in Manhattan his entire NOT to go to Brooklyn? For starters, how's he leave the country? Does he go to LaGuardia? For God's sake that airport sucks and this guy is rich! Does he go to Newark? Psh, maybe a few times but if he's not gonna go to Brooklyn why the hell would be go to Jersey. So maybe he takes a helicopter from his high rise to the Hamptons but really, to never go to Brooklyn...you know what this means right? For all his money, he's never had the best pizza in New York, L&B's (fuck you too, Grimaldi's). If you don't know about L&B's, by the way, I'm not gonna tell you about it because then all you damn literate yuppies who read this are gonna go crowd the joint and ruin the damn place.

Second, there were a few really bad scenes in the movie. One in particular was a dream sequence in which Jessica Alba was on a beach chasing sea gulls in a big sweater and pants. Now this is truly unbelievable. You know the director has some completely nude scenes where he was like, "come on Jes, this is totally necessary to the story" that bastard should share it with the rest of us and cut some of the dumb scenes.

*SPOILER*

But this was pretty much made up for by end. Oh, wait, no...but there was something close to the end that was cool. Jessica Alba is ultimately arrested by the police. During the scene she is bent over a desk with a cute little pout on her face, has her arms taken behind her back and cuffed and then, for no real reason (as you can only see her face and upper torso) begins being shoved forward and back. Pretty neat. Sadly, Hayden Christiansen does not die, ruining the ending and the promos promise of murder (because, of course attempted murder =/ murder (that's a "not equal" sign, not a smiley you idiots)). But luckily, the guy who everyone wants to see suffer for destroying Darth Vader does. Now if only we could get that damn little kid to be awake while his eyes are eaten by crows.

So, at the end of the film the audience was asked to fill out some questionairres concerning the movie. While doing so, I was being loud as usual and making comments like the ones above. I was so loud that the woman behind me asked if I had a blog because, apparently, I'm "hilarious" to someone other than myself and she wanted to see what I have to say about things. Well, looking back on the last few entries I've written I realize that I actually tried to be serious, for this I am sorry. From now on I will stick to what I do best and just expose the truth, because the truth is funny. I'm awake.